She Works. They’re Happy.

While the changing economic roles of husbands and wives may take some getting used to, the shift has had a surprising effect on marital stability. Over all, the evidence shows that the shifts within marriages — men taking on more housework and women earning more outside the home — have had a positive effect, contributing to lower divorce rates and happier unions.
. . .
While it’s widely believed that a woman’s financial independence increases her risk for divorce, divorce rates in the United States tell a different story: they have fallen as women have made economic gains. The rate peaked at 23 divorces per 1,000 couples in the late 1970s, but has since dropped to fewer than 17 divorces per 1,000 couples. Today, the statistics show that typically, the more economic independence and education a woman gains, the more likely she is to stay married. And in states where fewer wives have paid jobs, divorce rates tend to be higher, according to a 2009 report from the Center for American Progress.
. . .
Men, for instance, sometimes have a hard time adjusting to a woman’s equal or greater earning power. Women, meanwhile, struggle with giving up their power at home and controlling tasks like how to dress the children or load the dishwasher.

Linda Duxbury, a professor at the Sprott School of Business at Carleton University, recalls moments in her marriage when she was hesitant to give up control. “My husband would dress our daughter for school, and I’d say, ‘Oh my God, she looks like a clown,’ ” Professor Duxbury recalled. “He would say, ‘That’s your hang-up. She’s happy in it. If you don’t like my choice, then you do it.’ ”
She added, “In many ways women are their own worst enemies — we want men to do it, but we want to tell them how they should do it.”

Men, meanwhile, can struggle with the social expectation that husbands should always be the breadwinner. The recession, among other things, has made that expectation less realistic.

“Today, men need their wives’ income,” says Joshua Coleman, a psychologist in San Francisco who wrote “The Lazy Husband: How to Get Men to Do More Parenting and Housework.” “There is an issue for men of: ‘What is my value here if I’m not bringing in money? I understand you want a communicative, empathic guy who does housework and parenting, but how much pride can I take in that?’ ”

More at: NY Times

"[Genital] Herpes is Forever"

This is going to be a messy and unorganized read. Bear with me, as I'm really just writing down my thoughts on an issue I have been mulling about since even before I met the Mr., and had an avenue in which to apply this.

I know I've been MIA for a bit, but this is an issue I have been wanting to blog about for sometime now. As some of you may know, the Mr. and I are in the middle of our wedding festivities. Yesterday, I received some good news from Kaiser Permanente. What's the good news you may ask? I was tested for STD/I's last week. Simple test, I went in for blood work and was out in 15 minutes. Yesterday, I called the advice nurse and she confirmed that I had come in negative on all of the tests.

Who cares? Everybody should! I keep hearing stories about Muslim men and women getting married, assuming their partner had a virginal past and then receiving a less than desired wedding present. I'm talking about HIV, and a gang of various other fun infections.

According to Wikipedia's page on STD/I's, a few of the possible gifts to be concerned with include:

HIV

Genital Herpes

Chlamydia

Gonorrhea

Shall I continue?

I do have a virginal past, so why the testing? Because I'm so confident in my answer, I am willing to prove it. Everybody claims they have an angelic past. What's to require a person to tell the God honest truth when asked about a pre-marital sexual history. Additionally, how does one get around the rule about not asking others to air their sins?

So the first problem, is the question. How do you ask it? Should you even ask it? Can you ensure a truthful answer?

The second problem is the answer. Assuming you received a truthful confession: if God forgives all, who are you to hold a person's sins against them? Further, even if a person has not had any sexual opportunity to contract the diseases there is still the reality that some of them can be contracted in other ways or even without actual intercourse.

My recommended solution: STD/I testing. It does a few things:

1) It saves you from having to ask uncomfortable sexual history questions

2) It ensures you are making a fully informed decision regarding what is supposed to be a lifelong commitment

3) Even if you're angelic, and your significant other claims you will be there first, still getting tested helps normalize the process for the community. We have a problem, Muslim individuals are passing STD/I's to their new spouses and by getting everybody on board to get tested we can work towards minimizing that problem.

4) People will no longer be able to get out of testing by questioning trust, if everybody is getting tested

Remember Genital Herpes is forever.

Mr. Took-His-Time

God has already written if and when each of us is finding our partner in life — neither these words nor this good fellow can be erased from our futures; the pen has been lifted, the ink has dried. We live by our own timelines and no one else’s. It’s not because you aren’t pretty enough, nice enough, smart enough, thin enough — it is not because you are not enough. It doesn’t matter how many people things didn’t work out with, it only needs to work out with one, the right one. Everyone you know can get married eons before you, but Mr. Took-His-Time will stroll into your life at exactly the moment that is perfect, because he is perfect for you, and no one else. This is neither a criticism against marrying young nor an exhortation to delay marriage. It is an appeal to my sisters to appreciate themselves before someone loves them for their true worth. Whether or whenever that is.

Read on: Spinsterhood

10 Good Reasons to Marry a Muslim

1. Cool Kids’ Names

2. In with the In-Crowd- Get with it!

2a. Diversify Your Gene Portfolio

3. Wedding of Your Dreams

4. Instant Celebrity

5. Pull the “M” Card

6. Family Drama and Not Just Yo’ Mamma

7,8,9 &10. You totally thought I was going to list something about ”multiple wives,” didn’t you? Didn’t you? Like saving on wedding expenses by doing 4 brides-in-1, or creating a dynasty of little you’s in one-quarter the time. You were just waiting for it, weren’t you?

Well, sorry, I couldn’t resist: Reasons 7,8,9, &10 = Wives 1,2,3 & 4.

Polygamy: expanding the Muslim empire since 600AD.

Laugh and read on at: ELAN

Fascinating Love Facts

"Feminist women are more likely than other females to be in a romantic relationship."

AMAZING. The Muslim community seems to have a false perception that any woman who gives an inkling for her God given rights is a crazy feminist and that all crazy feminist are man haters. Further Muslim men have the audacity to repeatedly seek quiet, submissive, non-opinionated women all of which are traits antithetical to "feminism." No, I'm not making this up. Some men actually seek these qualities in women.

"Falling in love can induce a calming effect on the body and mind and raises levels of nerve growth factor for about a year, which helps to restore the nervous system and improves the lover's memory."

I wonder if this has an impact on finals stress levels.

"Love can also exert the same stress on your body as deep fear. You see the same physiological responses — pupil dilation, sweaty palms, and increased heart rate."

Ironic.

"Brain scans show that people who view photos of a beloved experience an activation of the caudate — the part of the brain involving cravings."

Showing me a picture of my husband will have the same impact as showing me one of chocolate, according to this. No complaints.

"Eleven percent of women have gone online and done research on a person they were dating or were about to meet, versus seven percent of men."

Why wouldn't you do online research about the person you are dating, or being otherwise courted by. In the era of Google searches, it seems like the most responsible first step.

"Forty-three percent of women prefer their partners never sign "love" to a card unless they are ready for commitment."

Makes perfect sense. No time for mixed signals when life is busy and short.

"Philadelphia International Airport finished as the No. 1 best airport for making a love connection, according to an online survey."

It's settled. When the rishta attempts fail, and there's nobody on the MSA scene catching your eye head to the airport. No joke. Let's be creative.

"One in five long-term love relationships began with one or both partners being involved with others."

Disturbing, beyond words.

More at: MSNBC

Hijab Flutter: S. AlHabib

Girls Being Force-fed For Marriage

In some countries we starve ourselves, in others we are force fed. It's tragic how irrespective of geographic location women, under the pretext of attractiveness, aren't permitted to simply be happy with their God given, unique bodies.

"In Mauritania, a woman's size indicates the amount of space she occupies in her husband's heart," said Mint Ely, head of the Association of Women Heads of Households. ''We have gone backwards. We had a Ministry of Women's Affairs. We had achieved a parliamentary quota of 20% of seats. We had female diplomats and governors. The military have set us back by decades, sending us back to our traditional roles. We no longer even have a ministry to talk to." Mauritania has suffered a series of coups since independence from France in 1960. The latest, in August last year, saw General Mohamed Ould Abdelaziz seize power after the elected president tried to sack him.

A children's rights lawyer, Fatimata M'baye, echoed Ely's pessimism. "I have never managed to bring a case in defence of a force-fed child. The politicians are scared of questioning their own traditions. Rural marriages usually take place under customary law or are overseen by a marabou (a Muslim preacher). No state official gets involved, so there is no arbiter to check on the age of the bride." Yet, she said, Mauritania had signed both international and African treaties protecting the rights of the child.

Leblouh is intimately linked to early marriage and often involves a girl of five, seven or nine being obliged to eat excessively to achieve female roundness and corpulence, so that she can be married off as young as possible. Girls from rural families are taken for leblouh at special "fattening farms" where older women, or the children's aunts or grandmothers, will administer pounded millet, camel's milk and water in quantities that make them ill. A typical daily diet for a six-year-old will include two kilos of pounded millet, mixed with two cups of butter, as well as 20 litres of camel's milk. "The fattening is done during the school holidays or in the rainy season when milk is plentiful," said M'baye. "The girl is sent away from home without understanding why. She suffers but is told that being fat will bring her happiness. Matrons use sticks which they roll on the girl's thighs, to break down tissue and hasten the process."

Other leblouh practices include a subtle form of torture - zayar - using two sticks inserted each side of a toe. When a child refuses to drink or eat, the matron squeezes the sticks together, causing great pain. A successful fattening process will see a 12-year-old weigh 80kg. "If she vomits she must drink it. By the age of 15 she will look 30," said M'baye.

Source: The Guardian

Hijab Flutter: Mansur Wadalawala

One (Amazing) Reason to Get Married

GAZA CITY: There was no party, no celebrations when 22-year-old Aida al-Qaddumi finally got married this week.

There were no regrets either -- she said she was marrying to raise "fighters" and asked only that she might die as a "martyr" in Israel.

Three weeks of a deadly Israeli offensive on the Gaza Strip forced postponement of the January 7 wedding, but it did not alter her intentions.

Source: the Times of India

This really puts things in perspective. What are we really looking for in a spouse? What do we really hope to accomplish together? (If not specifically raising fighters, then how about a more general "serving Allah" or "bettering the world" goal?) And what superficial, worldy obstacles are we bowing to, thus undermining our ability to serve Allah?

Commitment Phobia (Or Something) Gone Very Very Wrong

BEIJING - A 107-year-old Chinese woman who was afraid to marry when she was young has decided to look for her first husband and hopes to find a fellow centenarian so they will have something to talk about, a Chinese paper reported.

Wang Guiying is worried she is becoming a burden to her aging nieces and nephews since breaking her leg when she was 102 and had to stop doing chores like washing her clothes.

"I'm already 107 and I still haven't got married," the Chongqing Commercial Times quoted her saying. "What will happen if I don't hurry up and find a husband?"

Source: MSNBC

Hijab Flutter: Zainab

May Allah (swt) protect all of us from such a fate.

Sappy Love Story to Make You Smile During Difficult Times

Child Elopers' Africa Plan Foiled

Two German children - aged five and six - have been stopped by police from eloping to Africa to tie the knot in the sun, reports say.

The budding lovebirds, identified as Mika and Anna-Lena, packed bathing costumes, sunglasses and a lilo and headed for the airport.

They even had the presence of mind to invite along an official witness - Anna-Lena's seven-year-old sister.

The three got as far as Hanover railway station before police intervened.

The young couple were "very much in love" and had decided to get married in Africa "where it is warm", police spokesman Holger Jureczko told the AFP news agency.

Source: BBC News

Isn't it fascinating how children can simplify what adults regularly complicate? That is, love.

Lovely Wedding News Out Of Egypt

I don't have one wedding story, I have two:

CAIRO: Exasperated by the pressures of a society obsessed with marriage and the production of children, a young Egyptian woman has come to the rescue of her country's stigmatized spinsters. In the hope of changing the prejudices suffered by the unmarried and to shed light on the difficulties of being a woman in a patriarchal society, Yomna Mokhtar set up "Spinsters for Change" about six months ago.

The group came to life on the Internet's social networking website Facebook, which has become a platform for a plethora of social protests in Egypt, and the 27-year-old's group now has more than 550 members. "Society takes a very negative view of unmarried people. It puts great pressure on them and marginalizes them" if they don't marry, Mokhtar, her face framed by an Islamic headscarf, told AFP.

In the conservative country where religion is omnipresent, getting married is an obligation for Christians and Muslims alike. Islamic associations regularly organize mass weddings for those who lack the considerable funds needed for their own lavish ceremony, with the aim of avoiding so-called "deviant" behavior - extramarital relations or homosexuality. Even though they may hold down regular jobs or are studying, unmarried women in Egypt are seen as incomplete, said Mokhtar, stressing the "psychological suffering" endured by some of her single friends.

Source: Kuwait Times

AND, the best news related to the Bush shoe throwing fiasco:

An Egyptian man said Wednesday he was offering his 20-year-old daughter in marriage to Iraqi journalist Muntazer al-Zaidi, who threw his shoes at U.S. President George W. Bush in Baghdad Sunday,

The daughter, Amal Saad Gumaa, said she agreed with the idea. "This is something that would honour me. I would like to live in Iraq, especially if I were attached to this hero," she told Reuters by telephone.

Her father, Saad Gumaa, said he had called Dergham, Zaidi's brother, to tell him of the offer. "I find nothing more valuable than my daughter to offer to him, and I am prepared to provide her with everything needed for marriage," he added.

Source: Yahoo! News

Desi Aunty Story

At a party on Saturday night, enjoying my last night in Southern California, I encountered a fabulous aunty. My conversation with her was so OUTRAGEOUS, that I can't help but to want to share:

Aunty: "Zahra beta, when are we going to hear your good news?"

Knowing full well what she was attempting to hint at I said "well aunty, I'm insha'Allah graduating from law school this coming May."

Aunty: "beta, thats not good enough news for us."

"Muslims in Love"

Zerina Usman's take on my bio:

Zahra never dealt with dating and breakups in high school. She believes Islamic etiquette between the sexes kept her focused and emotionally un-entangled. Now a law student, the pragmatic Zahra remains dedicated to her career goals, only considers men who can handle her ambition, and watches her Muslim friends, one by one, succumb to cupid's arrow.

Source: Muslim in Love Cast Bios

(Disclaimer: that is a terrible picture! Though, I should be able to tell my insecurities to shove it. I'm working on that.)

Check out the in's and out's of this amazing documentary project by a friend and creative activist at Muslims in Love. I've been told you can hear my voice somewhere in the trailer! And if you're interested in seeing the whole documentary, email the director!

A Perspective on Arranged Marriages

Most Americans have sex on the third date. I married my husband after meeting him for the third time. I'm Indian, and having an arranged marriage is something that my ancient culture still thinks is a great idea.

Since the day I was born, my parents had been planning this occasion. When I was 20, they presented me with my first proposal. I found him overbearing, and I desperately hoped there would be more suitors. There were. But I passed on every Raj, Arun, and Sanjay — too fat, too boring, too short.

By age 26, after attending more than 150 weddings, I was fast approaching my "expiration date." So my parents put pressure on our community — not to mention my relatives — to find The One. They urged me to be more flexible, and I had no reason to argue. Being a spinster in Indian society is considered an embarrassment, a burden on the family. I was raised to think a smiling groom, approved and blessed by my parents, was the ultimate achievement. While Western teenagers spent summers working the cash register at the mall, I spent mine learning to sew and cook so that I could someday be a successful wife.
. . .
That's when I started to realize that I just might have the best of both worlds. I marinated my Indian marriage in the flavors of Manhattan. I kept the sari and bought the Jimmy Choos. I made fabulous curries, seasoned with spices from Dean & Deluca. And after months of enjoying decidedly non-Indian experiences of seders, Saks, and sake, I felt confident enough to direct Indian guests to a hotel, occasionally throwing in a MetroCard.

As Indian women gain financial independence, it is inevitable that we will see fewer arranged marriages — and maybe that's too bad. I firmly believe that our marriage works because it is blessed and supported by our families. The strength we get from their advice (solicited and unsolicited) helps us overcome difficult times. Had I found my own mate, I'm sure my parents would have come around, but I'd have to live knowing that they wouldn't be truly emotionally invested in the success of the marriage.

I've come to believe it's not so much how you get hitched but what you do with your relationship that matters. Although my husband doesn't always agree with his opinionated and selectively liberated wife, he openly expresses his love. Back home, couples don't even hold hands on the street. Here, well, couples do a lot more than that. India may have found me a husband, but America showed me how much fun it is to be his wife. Power to my parents for arranging this union.

Full story (i.e. the stuff in between): MSN's Lifestyle

Love, Marriage and Islam . . .

. . . from the perspective of an American Muslim muhajiba:

Born in Kenya of Indian heritage, I came to the United States at age 6, settling with my family in upstate New York. Growing up Muslim in suburban America, I missed out on the typical “Dawson’s Creek” method of courtship: the flirting, the fighting, the making up and making out.
. . .
So my friends and I had high expectations when it came to marriage, which was supposed to quickly follow graduation from college. That’s when our parents, many of whom had entered into arranged marriages, told us it was time to find the one man we would be waking up with for the rest of our lives, God willing. They just didn’t tell us how.
. . .
Yet now, at 29, despite all of my “meetings,” I remain unmarried. And in the last five years I’ve exhausted the patience of my matchmaking aunties and friends who have offered up their husbands’ childhood playmates.

I began to panic when I realized people were no longer even asking me how my husband hunt was going. I was too old to be hanging out at the mosque weekend school, where scarf-wearing teenage girls in tight jeans check out the boys from a distance (while pretending not to look). Yet I was not at the point where I’d consider importing a spouse from the subcontinent.

Full story: Close Enough to Touch Was Too Far Apart