Mr. Took-His-Time

God has already written if and when each of us is finding our partner in life — neither these words nor this good fellow can be erased from our futures; the pen has been lifted, the ink has dried. We live by our own timelines and no one else’s. It’s not because you aren’t pretty enough, nice enough, smart enough, thin enough — it is not because you are not enough. It doesn’t matter how many people things didn’t work out with, it only needs to work out with one, the right one. Everyone you know can get married eons before you, but Mr. Took-His-Time will stroll into your life at exactly the moment that is perfect, because he is perfect for you, and no one else. This is neither a criticism against marrying young nor an exhortation to delay marriage. It is an appeal to my sisters to appreciate themselves before someone loves them for their true worth. Whether or whenever that is.

Read on: Spinsterhood

Fascinating Love Facts

"Feminist women are more likely than other females to be in a romantic relationship."

AMAZING. The Muslim community seems to have a false perception that any woman who gives an inkling for her God given rights is a crazy feminist and that all crazy feminist are man haters. Further Muslim men have the audacity to repeatedly seek quiet, submissive, non-opinionated women all of which are traits antithetical to "feminism." No, I'm not making this up. Some men actually seek these qualities in women.

"Falling in love can induce a calming effect on the body and mind and raises levels of nerve growth factor for about a year, which helps to restore the nervous system and improves the lover's memory."

I wonder if this has an impact on finals stress levels.

"Love can also exert the same stress on your body as deep fear. You see the same physiological responses — pupil dilation, sweaty palms, and increased heart rate."

Ironic.

"Brain scans show that people who view photos of a beloved experience an activation of the caudate — the part of the brain involving cravings."

Showing me a picture of my husband will have the same impact as showing me one of chocolate, according to this. No complaints.

"Eleven percent of women have gone online and done research on a person they were dating or were about to meet, versus seven percent of men."

Why wouldn't you do online research about the person you are dating, or being otherwise courted by. In the era of Google searches, it seems like the most responsible first step.

"Forty-three percent of women prefer their partners never sign "love" to a card unless they are ready for commitment."

Makes perfect sense. No time for mixed signals when life is busy and short.

"Philadelphia International Airport finished as the No. 1 best airport for making a love connection, according to an online survey."

It's settled. When the rishta attempts fail, and there's nobody on the MSA scene catching your eye head to the airport. No joke. Let's be creative.

"One in five long-term love relationships began with one or both partners being involved with others."

Disturbing, beyond words.

More at: MSNBC

Hijab Flutter: S. AlHabib

Girls Being Force-fed For Marriage

In some countries we starve ourselves, in others we are force fed. It's tragic how irrespective of geographic location women, under the pretext of attractiveness, aren't permitted to simply be happy with their God given, unique bodies.

"In Mauritania, a woman's size indicates the amount of space she occupies in her husband's heart," said Mint Ely, head of the Association of Women Heads of Households. ''We have gone backwards. We had a Ministry of Women's Affairs. We had achieved a parliamentary quota of 20% of seats. We had female diplomats and governors. The military have set us back by decades, sending us back to our traditional roles. We no longer even have a ministry to talk to." Mauritania has suffered a series of coups since independence from France in 1960. The latest, in August last year, saw General Mohamed Ould Abdelaziz seize power after the elected president tried to sack him.

A children's rights lawyer, Fatimata M'baye, echoed Ely's pessimism. "I have never managed to bring a case in defence of a force-fed child. The politicians are scared of questioning their own traditions. Rural marriages usually take place under customary law or are overseen by a marabou (a Muslim preacher). No state official gets involved, so there is no arbiter to check on the age of the bride." Yet, she said, Mauritania had signed both international and African treaties protecting the rights of the child.

Leblouh is intimately linked to early marriage and often involves a girl of five, seven or nine being obliged to eat excessively to achieve female roundness and corpulence, so that she can be married off as young as possible. Girls from rural families are taken for leblouh at special "fattening farms" where older women, or the children's aunts or grandmothers, will administer pounded millet, camel's milk and water in quantities that make them ill. A typical daily diet for a six-year-old will include two kilos of pounded millet, mixed with two cups of butter, as well as 20 litres of camel's milk. "The fattening is done during the school holidays or in the rainy season when milk is plentiful," said M'baye. "The girl is sent away from home without understanding why. She suffers but is told that being fat will bring her happiness. Matrons use sticks which they roll on the girl's thighs, to break down tissue and hasten the process."

Other leblouh practices include a subtle form of torture - zayar - using two sticks inserted each side of a toe. When a child refuses to drink or eat, the matron squeezes the sticks together, causing great pain. A successful fattening process will see a 12-year-old weigh 80kg. "If she vomits she must drink it. By the age of 15 she will look 30," said M'baye.

Source: The Guardian

Hijab Flutter: Mansur Wadalawala

Spousal Search Strategy

Don't know what to do? Have no idea where to look? Can't overcome the trend of laughable prospects? Well, reality TV has a solution for you! The show I previously blogged about at Muslamics is making progress as it prepares to launch.

CBS is treading into potentially controversial reality TV territory again.

The network has ordered a new series from the producers of "Top Chef" that puts lovelorn singles into arranged marriages.

The show introduces four adults in the 25-45 age range who are eager to get married but have been unsuccessful in their search for a mate. Their friends and family select a spouse for them, and the newly paired couple exchange marital vows. The series follows their marriages.

The rest of the details for the project, whose early working title is "Arranged Marriage," are being kept under wraps.
...
The series order for "Marriage" shows that CBS is not shying away from reality projects that might draw a few pointed editorials in the wake of the network's previous envelope-pushing social experiment, the fall 2007 series "Kid Nation."
"Marriage" also will inevitably draw comparisons to another arranged-marriage reality show, Fox's infamous "Married by America."

The 2003 series drew fire from conservative groups, and one bachelor party scene containing pixelated nudity resulted in the Federal Communications Commission's slapping Fox stations with a $1.18 million fine (which was reduced last month to $91,000).

But CBS' project differs from the earlier show in key ways.

In "Married," couples were paired by viewers voting from home and then sequestered in a hotel to learn more about each other. CBS' "Marriage" presents itself as a documentary series about finding true love, a show that extends the Eastern tradition of an arranged marriage (where friends and family select the mate) into the West.

Another difference is that on "Married," despite the pundit outcry, nobody on the show actually ended up getting hitched. On CBS, couples will really tie the knot.

Source: Yahoo! News

I think I still have the casting call buried somewhere in my old emails. Let me know if you're interested inapplying and would like me to dig it up for you!

One (Amazing) Reason to Get Married

GAZA CITY: There was no party, no celebrations when 22-year-old Aida al-Qaddumi finally got married this week.

There were no regrets either -- she said she was marrying to raise "fighters" and asked only that she might die as a "martyr" in Israel.

Three weeks of a deadly Israeli offensive on the Gaza Strip forced postponement of the January 7 wedding, but it did not alter her intentions.

Source: the Times of India

This really puts things in perspective. What are we really looking for in a spouse? What do we really hope to accomplish together? (If not specifically raising fighters, then how about a more general "serving Allah" or "bettering the world" goal?) And what superficial, worldy obstacles are we bowing to, thus undermining our ability to serve Allah?

Commitment Phobia (Or Something) Gone Very Very Wrong

BEIJING - A 107-year-old Chinese woman who was afraid to marry when she was young has decided to look for her first husband and hopes to find a fellow centenarian so they will have something to talk about, a Chinese paper reported.

Wang Guiying is worried she is becoming a burden to her aging nieces and nephews since breaking her leg when she was 102 and had to stop doing chores like washing her clothes.

"I'm already 107 and I still haven't got married," the Chongqing Commercial Times quoted her saying. "What will happen if I don't hurry up and find a husband?"

Source: MSNBC

Hijab Flutter: Zainab

May Allah (swt) protect all of us from such a fate.

Sappy Love Story to Make You Smile During Difficult Times

Child Elopers' Africa Plan Foiled

Two German children - aged five and six - have been stopped by police from eloping to Africa to tie the knot in the sun, reports say.

The budding lovebirds, identified as Mika and Anna-Lena, packed bathing costumes, sunglasses and a lilo and headed for the airport.

They even had the presence of mind to invite along an official witness - Anna-Lena's seven-year-old sister.

The three got as far as Hanover railway station before police intervened.

The young couple were "very much in love" and had decided to get married in Africa "where it is warm", police spokesman Holger Jureczko told the AFP news agency.

Source: BBC News

Isn't it fascinating how children can simplify what adults regularly complicate? That is, love.

"Muslims in Love"

Zerina Usman's take on my bio:

Zahra never dealt with dating and breakups in high school. She believes Islamic etiquette between the sexes kept her focused and emotionally un-entangled. Now a law student, the pragmatic Zahra remains dedicated to her career goals, only considers men who can handle her ambition, and watches her Muslim friends, one by one, succumb to cupid's arrow.

Source: Muslim in Love Cast Bios

(Disclaimer: that is a terrible picture! Though, I should be able to tell my insecurities to shove it. I'm working on that.)

Check out the in's and out's of this amazing documentary project by a friend and creative activist at Muslims in Love. I've been told you can hear my voice somewhere in the trailer! And if you're interested in seeing the whole documentary, email the director!

A Perspective on Arranged Marriages

Most Americans have sex on the third date. I married my husband after meeting him for the third time. I'm Indian, and having an arranged marriage is something that my ancient culture still thinks is a great idea.

Since the day I was born, my parents had been planning this occasion. When I was 20, they presented me with my first proposal. I found him overbearing, and I desperately hoped there would be more suitors. There were. But I passed on every Raj, Arun, and Sanjay — too fat, too boring, too short.

By age 26, after attending more than 150 weddings, I was fast approaching my "expiration date." So my parents put pressure on our community — not to mention my relatives — to find The One. They urged me to be more flexible, and I had no reason to argue. Being a spinster in Indian society is considered an embarrassment, a burden on the family. I was raised to think a smiling groom, approved and blessed by my parents, was the ultimate achievement. While Western teenagers spent summers working the cash register at the mall, I spent mine learning to sew and cook so that I could someday be a successful wife.
. . .
That's when I started to realize that I just might have the best of both worlds. I marinated my Indian marriage in the flavors of Manhattan. I kept the sari and bought the Jimmy Choos. I made fabulous curries, seasoned with spices from Dean & Deluca. And after months of enjoying decidedly non-Indian experiences of seders, Saks, and sake, I felt confident enough to direct Indian guests to a hotel, occasionally throwing in a MetroCard.

As Indian women gain financial independence, it is inevitable that we will see fewer arranged marriages — and maybe that's too bad. I firmly believe that our marriage works because it is blessed and supported by our families. The strength we get from their advice (solicited and unsolicited) helps us overcome difficult times. Had I found my own mate, I'm sure my parents would have come around, but I'd have to live knowing that they wouldn't be truly emotionally invested in the success of the marriage.

I've come to believe it's not so much how you get hitched but what you do with your relationship that matters. Although my husband doesn't always agree with his opinionated and selectively liberated wife, he openly expresses his love. Back home, couples don't even hold hands on the street. Here, well, couples do a lot more than that. India may have found me a husband, but America showed me how much fun it is to be his wife. Power to my parents for arranging this union.

Full story (i.e. the stuff in between): MSN's Lifestyle

Love, Marriage and Islam . . .

. . . from the perspective of an American Muslim muhajiba:

Born in Kenya of Indian heritage, I came to the United States at age 6, settling with my family in upstate New York. Growing up Muslim in suburban America, I missed out on the typical “Dawson’s Creek” method of courtship: the flirting, the fighting, the making up and making out.
. . .
So my friends and I had high expectations when it came to marriage, which was supposed to quickly follow graduation from college. That’s when our parents, many of whom had entered into arranged marriages, told us it was time to find the one man we would be waking up with for the rest of our lives, God willing. They just didn’t tell us how.
. . .
Yet now, at 29, despite all of my “meetings,” I remain unmarried. And in the last five years I’ve exhausted the patience of my matchmaking aunties and friends who have offered up their husbands’ childhood playmates.

I began to panic when I realized people were no longer even asking me how my husband hunt was going. I was too old to be hanging out at the mosque weekend school, where scarf-wearing teenage girls in tight jeans check out the boys from a distance (while pretending not to look). Yet I was not at the point where I’d consider importing a spouse from the subcontinent.

Full story: Close Enough to Touch Was Too Far Apart